my state of mind

So,here it is...
I was told that i got another article in the next whuzap newsletter. it will be out on jan 2010. Its mostly about family and friends, updates on whats going on..

Well the truth is, i feel im responding well to chemo, i feel great...few side effects but my body is not cooperating. After the 3rd cycle of my chemo, i was asked to do another ct scan to determined if The chemo drugs are working.

Sad to say, but the tumors are actually getting bigger, just a little bit though. Im currently At st lukes hospital for my 6th cycle of chemo,I was told that after this and the tumor hasnt shrink, my doctors will have to change my meds. Change it to a 400k chemo drugs a month. Wtf,right?

Having my kind of cancer really does suck, all is experimental. Unlike if you have breast cancer,they know which chemo drug combination to use. But what i have is rare. 1 out of 100,000 people kind of rare.

My doctors said she is looking for a clinical trial for my case. It can be scary at times to think youre like a lab rat, but it depends on how you look at it..i look at it as an OPPURTUNITY. An oppurtunity to help someone someday, because we never know, d next one can be ur neighrbor,a friend,a relative or someone you know and love. Would it be nice if somehow they find the right combination of drugs for this type of cancer? Not just this type, but all cancer. They managed to find a cure for tuberculosis before,right? Im sure they can do it again. With all the advanced technology we have right now, i just wish they find it soon...

Because after johhny delgado's death, it made me think. Somehow i was affected by his death, not bcoz i too have cancer but because we are in d same hospital,same floor doing chemo at st lukes. He fought cancer for 2 yrs,im fighting it for 5 months. It made me wonder how long do i really have. He was interviewed just months ago saying he is responding well to chemo,that he only has 2 cycles left. All tests are good. Then he...died...

I tried not thinking about it and i am trying but im still human, i do have doubts as all of us do. its going to be hard to believe if i say i dont,facing what im going through right now.

But im THANKFUL...thankful for all the people who continue supporting me and showing that they love me.

people i dont know but showing and telling me they care.

people you dont expect...and i think thats what touched me most. Poeple who are willing to help..or even offer encouragement.

im THANKFUL for all that and for telling me that life really is worth living...