my state of mind

So,here it is...
I was told that i got another article in the next whuzap newsletter. it will be out on jan 2010. Its mostly about family and friends, updates on whats going on..

Well the truth is, i feel im responding well to chemo, i feel great...few side effects but my body is not cooperating. After the 3rd cycle of my chemo, i was asked to do another ct scan to determined if The chemo drugs are working.

Sad to say, but the tumors are actually getting bigger, just a little bit though. Im currently At st lukes hospital for my 6th cycle of chemo,I was told that after this and the tumor hasnt shrink, my doctors will have to change my meds. Change it to a 400k chemo drugs a month. Wtf,right?

Having my kind of cancer really does suck, all is experimental. Unlike if you have breast cancer,they know which chemo drug combination to use. But what i have is rare. 1 out of 100,000 people kind of rare.

My doctors said she is looking for a clinical trial for my case. It can be scary at times to think youre like a lab rat, but it depends on how you look at it..i look at it as an OPPURTUNITY. An oppurtunity to help someone someday, because we never know, d next one can be ur neighrbor,a friend,a relative or someone you know and love. Would it be nice if somehow they find the right combination of drugs for this type of cancer? Not just this type, but all cancer. They managed to find a cure for tuberculosis before,right? Im sure they can do it again. With all the advanced technology we have right now, i just wish they find it soon...

Because after johhny delgado's death, it made me think. Somehow i was affected by his death, not bcoz i too have cancer but because we are in d same hospital,same floor doing chemo at st lukes. He fought cancer for 2 yrs,im fighting it for 5 months. It made me wonder how long do i really have. He was interviewed just months ago saying he is responding well to chemo,that he only has 2 cycles left. All tests are good. Then he...died...

I tried not thinking about it and i am trying but im still human, i do have doubts as all of us do. its going to be hard to believe if i say i dont,facing what im going through right now.

But im THANKFUL...thankful for all the people who continue supporting me and showing that they love me.

people i dont know but showing and telling me they care.

people you dont expect...and i think thats what touched me most. Poeple who are willing to help..or even offer encouragement.

im THANKFUL for all that and for telling me that life really is worth living...

see what i mean???

see what i mean????

niki ayende: e kasi magagalit ka na naman sakin e
niki ayende: dadagdag lang ako sa stress mo
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Jhieghs Cudeldiego: alam mo un..db sau ko nagssbi ng problema..
Jhieghs Cudeldiego: kaso nung nalaman natin na may cancer ka.. parang nahihiya na ko magsabi sau ng problem..
Jhieghs Cudeldiego: kc filing ko kelangan ko pa ba problemahin un eh mas malaki un hinaharap mong pagsubok ngaun tpos dagdag pako sa isipin mo at sa shock absorber mo..hehe
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che_zach: Minsan kc u cant blame us pg ayw k namen mdagdagan p ng stress d b.
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i understand that you love me and you dont want to add to my so called "stressed" life. hahaha.
but your removing my right to be your friend. and thats not good.

me? stressed? nah!!

Why does everybody thinks that im stressed???? I may be bald...i may have cancer but that doesnt mean that i'll stop being a friend.

Im not some delicate china doll, all of you must tip toed around. im handling cancer so i can handle your issues.

Remember im still the same ANNA.. i have been and always will be the one you all run and talk to if anyone of you has problems. it is always been that way.

If im not letting cancer change who i am,please dont let my sickness change the way you look at me.

new baller designs

Guys, new baller designs will be ready next week.

I think this is really cute...

so is the one who has cancer.. hahahaha

Thank you ,Carson!

In behalf of me and my family i would like to take this opportunity to thank my USAUTOPARTS family in Carson.

To all of you who helped me.

It may be a small thing to some of you but this is a big help to me and my family.

Thank you for being a part of my battle with cancer.

Rest assured that all your prayers and support will not be forgotten.

Again...

Thank you.

bald and loving it

need i say more? i decided to have it done yesterday. I told you im impulsive and when i decided to get something done, I'll do it or i wont get any sleep.

I got it done in a barbershop and not in some fancy salon. I was thinking a barbershop will suit me just fine, they shaved heads a thousand times for one thing, and youll get a free massage for only 70 pesos.

When i enter the barber shop with my mom and cousins ( yes cousins! all 4 of them and my niece armed with a camera) the lady at the counter thought my cousin is the one getting a haircut and when i said "papa shave ako!"
the lady looked at me in disbelief and i just said "im having chemo."


My mom was crying when the razor hit my head the first time and she cried when we got home and hugged me so tight until i cant breathe. My lola cried when she saw me, that's the first time i saw her cry since she found out that i'm sick. her exact words are " Why did you shaved it? you're only on your 1st chemo,its like saying you dont have any hope for your recovery."

and i told her "IT'S ONLY HAIR, IT WILL GROW BACK." I'm the one who is comforting them because i know this is hurting them and they havent actually accepted it yet. They know im sick but they dont want me to look sick and i cant do anything about that. i cant grant them that one wish.

I will change...physically.


I may look different but i'm still the same old ANNA, you all know and love.


I will not let CANCER change who i am!!!

going bald like britney

What would i look like bald?

As a woman, we never dreamed or even imagined ourselves being bald.(unless,of course if youre on drugs)
because for us, HAIR is as vital as having coffee,having a cigarette or even having sex.

I am like any other woman out there.

i LOVE my hair like i love my coffee in the morning.
I used to say " touch anything but do not mess with my hair!"

but when you're face with a situation beyond your control.

I asked myself...

Do i have any choice?

The answer is clear, i dont.

Its either face everyday knowing your hair is falling off...
knowing that eventually all of it will be gone.

I wake up every morning, searching my pillow for every strand of hair i could find.
i cant even brush my hair anymore.
or even hand combed it.

Sure the doctors warned me about the side effects of chemo:

loss of appetie
mouth sores
weakness
pain
infertility
neuropathy
hair loss

I never really thought about it until my hair started falling off.
yeah yeah.. i can almost hear what you're all going to say. " its only hair, it will grow back."
and if im in your shoes and you're trying to comfort someone like me, i would probably say the exact same thing.

My doctor told me that most cancer patients who is undergoing chemotherapy shaved their heads before treatment, so they wont have to face the dread of losing their hair.

Remember a scene from a movie about people with cancer and when they hand combed their hair, it started falling off? It's true.
I thought movies is an exaggeration of things but its not. my hair hair really does fall off. i can shake my head and it will fall, a lot!

Some suggested a wig...
Some suggested a scarf...

I dont really like wigs, they look kinda funny ( like sarah Geronimo in a very special love). I might wear a scarf once in a while, if its a cool scarf ( no flowery scarf for me, so baduy) and im thinking.. why hide it??? Britney look cool bald even Demi in GI Jane.
of course im not Britney nor Demi, but i am someone...

I am ANNA and i will make bald look good. ( haha )

I will probably shave my head this week or after my chemo on sept 10. Though my mom and lola are against it ( i think they are trying to hold on to me on not looking so sick and shaving my hair just confirms it for them)

Losing my hair doesnt really depress or saddens me as much as it would my family. Im actually getting used to the idea of me with no hair. I've always been impulsive with it. I dyed it a hundred times,tried every color, tried every style.

I'll post a blog with a picture of me with a shaved head and you are not allowed to say anything bad about it!!! haha, Remember i have cancer, So you all have to be nice to me. lol

until then...

@ mitch - i know seeing me in the hospital is very hard for you and now youre going to see me with no hair,so dont panic ok? "it's only hair, it will grow back." haha

@ jaja - i know you want me to hold off shaving my hair until you return, but some things just can't wait. sorry!.

@ art and alfred - remember what you told me, if i shave my hair, so will you, so i will expect to see a pic of your shaved head. haha ( i cant wait)

TEAM ANNA - humanizing cancer with humor.

-listening to MIley's The Climb - i kinda made it my song..

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

thank you!

Thank you.

2 simple words.

We say it all the time.

but never in the depth on what im feeling right now.

Thank you for all the love and support and i mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I know my condition has not been easy to accept and even now some of you are still in denial that im sick. (mitch???,hehe) but through it all, you all managed to be there for me. the phrase "in sickness and in health" came to mind and i thought, it doesnt just apply for people who are getting married but it also applies in "friendship".

Your FRIENDSHIP.

Some of you managed to make me laugh.
Some of you managed to make me cry with a "hug"
Some of you managed to moved me with your "words"

but all of you managed to touch my HEART.


thanks for wearing the "i cancervive" baller, that means a lot to me